.Anxiety & Mind.
.Effort Over Results.
Sometimes it seems like there's no warning. Suddenly you are acutely aware of your heart beating in your chest, and an invisible hand grasps your throat, choking off your voice. Your mind runs in circles, and you can't seem to slow it down. The feeling is crippling and you begin to micromanage your every move, analyzing and judging your every step. You intellectually know that things are okay, that you have "no reason" to feel this way. Yet you still do. Guilt sets in at this point, and depression isn't far behind.
Anxiety is not easy.
But there is a way out.
I tried again and again. I set strength & flexibility goals about twice a year - "by June I will have abs, I'll be able to do 10 pull-ups unassisted, I'll squat x amount, I'll be able to do full splits, I'll stop eating sugar and all things that are harmful to my body". Each year, June would come and I would get to 3 pull-ups and fall off the bar with my arms burning. I'd look down at the layer of fatty tissue covering my non-existent abs, my flexibility was nowhere near enabling me to relax into a full split, and I had chocolate bar wrappers hiding on my bedside table!
.Abs For Love.
I was afraid that if I failed, it meant I was a failure. I believed that if they saw me stumble, it would become my identity. I had a story in my head, that said, a lack of ability was synonymous with weakness. Weakness was synonymous with unworthiness - unworthy of what? Of being loved. I was so afraid of messing up and being not good enough; so I didn’t try.
.Meditation: what the eff.
I woke up this morning and knew I'd been caught in my own trap.
I was afraid to eat breakfast.
The last two weeks I've been hitting the gym hard with a new training program. At first I was on fire! My energy was up, I felt invigorated, joyful, and more present with people. Then I shifted a bit off course. I didn't realize that I'd started to become hyper focused on results, and not effort.
.Spring Fever. Let it Burn!.
Ummm... what am I going to make for dinner, maybe I should make a lis..- shit, I'm supposed to be meditating.
.Don't Get Naked - Yet.
To be strong, to be in top bikini shape for the coming season, and to be the most energized for all your summer wine touring, the next thing you need to know is this... feel a little fever coming on? LET IT BURN. If you wake up a little headachy - maybe some body chills - and your internal temperature seems to be on the rise, think twice before reaching for the tylenol.
Yes the sun is out and the days are warmer than you can ever remember after a dark cold winter (seriously Canada, -28 in the valley.. where did you come from?); but don't get naked just yet! Weather can leave your body weak and can render your immune system defenceless if it catches you off guard and unprepared.
.Life Is For Giving.
Spring Equinox has arrived!
The interplay between your external and internal environment is the foundation of Chinese medicine practice and is key to your health. Season changes aren't just about shifts in weather patterns, they impact your whole body - physically, mentally, emotionally. From a Chinese medicine perspective, your health cannot be separated from your environment - one influences the other. Major seasonal shifts, like the movement from winter into spring, calls for some major shifts in your internal environment.
.Vacay Poisoning. Food Profile: Mint & Ginger.
I've spent many days trying to get something from life. I didn't know it at the time, I thought I was giving. I wanted everyone to be happy, that was my aim. I didn't realize it was rooted in a need of my own; a desperate desire to see them happy so that I myself could be happy. I tied myself to others and made them my reasons for happiness, without recognizing that the execution of this meant controlling them.
.Why Can't I stop.
It must have been the questionable tiritas - raw fish strips marinated in lime juice - or maybe it was something on the limes themselves that we shoved into all those cervezas. They were delicious going down, not so much coming up! Violent stomach churning, extreme fever & chills, and a few other graphic details I'm sure you can imagine on your own, were the highlight of yesterday evening.
.RECIPE: nut butter bliss balls. FOOD PROFILE: black sesame.
It all feels well and good in the beginning. You perform tasks methodically, expertly. Each step is planned and executed to give yourself exactly what you want. They say you are so dedicated, 'you have so much will power'! I heard this a lot when I began waking up at 5am to go to bootcamp, and again when I'd turn down the dessert tray for a glass of mineral water. I agreed with them! I felt like I had things all figured out. I didn't realize my efforts were misplaced and that I was playing out 'diseased' behaviour.
.Since when is diabetes sexy.
Here it is... This weeks recipe on request!
.NUT BUTTER BLISS BALLS.
The struggle is REAL. I scroll through my insta feed and I'm faced with the most colourful, fresh fruit filled photos of meals. My first response is to jump over to the local smoothie bar and get a blended acai bowl for myself. But I've done this, many times. I lived off of smoothies, raw salads, and raw fruit and veg for all my meals. The sugar content alone was enough to overload my organs, while the cooling and detoxifying nature of these foods worked at shutting down my metabolism.
.Why Chinese Medicine.
She hid it in the shadows, she didn't want them to see; she didn't even want to see it herself. The idea that her pain and sorrow were written on her face was an uneasy thought. She wanted to be happy for that woman who stood there in all her accolades. But she wasn't. The story in her head, said, 'her success means your failure. Her gains must mean your loss'.
There is an accident scene. One car has smashed into the side of another at an intersection. The professionals look at the damage, send the cars to the shop for repairs, and bandage up the drivers. The next day, the same thing happens! Another crash, more damage to the cars and people, and more repairs. On the third day, same crash, same damage, but this time, the man on the scene steps back to view the whole intersection. He notices that the stop sign on one corner has been damaged and is not visible to the drivers. He sends the cars for repairs, bandages up the drivers, and fixes the sign. There are no more accidents at the intersection.
I want to be 'there' in life, I want to achieve 'x,y,z'! I said this last year. I outlined my goals and told myself to go full bore ahead on the path and to not look back.
What I didn't realize is that the mind doesn't work this way, you know, by demanding action. My desire was high, my plan was laid out, so how did I still end up falling short of my goals?
The goals weren't unattainable, there was nothing impossible about my aim.
So what happened?!