.Abs For Love.
I woke up this morning and knew I'd been caught in my own trap.
I was afraid to eat breakfast.
The last two weeks I've been hitting the gym hard with a new training program. At first I was on fire! My energy was up, I felt invigorated, joyful, and more present with people. Then I shifted a bit off course. I didn't realize that I'd started to become hyper focused on results, and not effort.
My first clue could have been the restless nights, or the impatience with friends. or my increasing obsession with checking for abs. . . anyone else guilty of this..? I'd started to restrict my food intake, increased my exertion output, and my body-mind started to feel the deficit in nourishment.
It's easy to sit here and tear myself down with words of criticism for having known better and still getting caught in habitual ways of "perceiving and believing". I used to beat myself up with words, purposefully hoping that it would be motivation to change. I realize now, this kind of self talk is dangerous, and has nothing to do with becoming a stronger, more compassionate, and caring human being - my ultimate focus in life.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm not training hard for a certain physique - that might always be part of the picture. But I'm fiercely determined to grow my neural patterning into making the actions more valuable than the results. I'm fiercely determined to not be defined by my body, and instead, seeing it as a tool, that if taken care of, trained and fed - physically and mentally - can be used to spread love, compassion, and support to the world. THIS is what I love. THIS is my WHY. I Love people; all kinds. I Love creatures - from the tiny aphid to the rattlesnake - I always have. Loving and caring for these things in life doesn't require abs. Love is not something you can get by looking or even being a certain way.
Love is something you give.
Love doesn't demand that you are a certain weight, or physique, no. Love is the result of presence, attention, and kindness (not niceness.... it's different*) and a strong and abled body can support that.
So, I'm fuelling up today - observing the resistance I have to eating, as talk of being lean runs through my mind with dirty feet. My focus is back on what I value; Love trumps Fear.
Back at it tomorrow. Beginning week 3 of the training program with more awareness and inspiration. Inspiration to invest a little less energy on the idea that Love comes from getting abs, and a little more energy towards an effort to give back to life.
To reach the destination you don't need to make giant leaps; you just have to make small, determined steps each day. One day, the idea of abs may be so foreign to me because my focus is completely elsewhere.
But that's not today, and that's okay - I'm heading in that direction.