I was afraid that if I failed, it meant I was a failure.
I believed that if they saw me stumble, it would become my identity.
I had a story in my head, that said, a lack of ability was synonymous with weakness. Weakness was synonymous with unworthiness - unworthy of what? Of being loved. I was so afraid of messing up and being not good enough; so I didn’t try.
I gave up trying new things and learning new skill-sets. But this also meant I stopped growing.
Depression was the result as I created strict lists of what I could and couldn’t do comfortably; and I lived within these boundaries. I suffocated myself.
Somewhere along the way I learned about Love.
I realized, that what I wanted was not to be loved, but to feel Love. These are not synonymous. Feeling Love doesn’t come from other peoples approval or acceptance. How many examples can you think of, of people who are loved by many and are in a state of severe depression?
Love isn’t something you can get from anyone else. To feel it, you have to give it.
Most people show up to situations to prove something - to get something. Approval, applause, and recognition are the motivation behind so many of our actions. Even if we get what we are looking for, the satisfaction is short-lived, and is tied to the admiration and attention of those we are impressing upon. In fearing the way we appear, and what others will say, we make ourselves a victim to their own mental stories. The ego has created these guidelines for what is right, what is beautiful, what is worthy, and it runs these stories through the mind. Believing that someone else's opinions makes you worthy of Love, only makes you a victim to their narrow picture of the world.
These opinions are not Truth.
The key to love, to long lasting happiness, and to being unafraid to try new things and gain new skills, is to not want anything. When you show up, not to get, rather to give, you have nothing to lose.
Go for it in life - whatever you want to learn. You’ll end up with some bruises, without a doubt, but if you stick with it, your growth is inevitable.
Be fearless in your actions. Be unafraid of the disapproval, the ridicule, or the lack of applause - it has nothing to do with who you are or what you're worth in life.
You got this.