Posts in contemplations
.Anxiety & Mind.

Sometimes it seems like there's no warning.  Suddenly you are acutely aware of your heart beating in your chest, and an invisible hand grasps your throat, choking off your voice. Your mind runs in circles, and you can't seem to slow it down. The feeling is crippling and you begin to micromanage your every move, analyzing and judging your every step. You intellectually know that things are okay, that you have "no reason" to feel this way. Yet you still do. Guilt sets in at this point, and depression isn't far behind.

Anxiety is not easy.

But there is a way out.

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.Abs For Love.

I woke up this morning and knew I'd been caught in my own trap.

I was afraid to eat breakfast. 

The last two weeks I've been hitting the gym hard with a new training program. At first I was on fire! My energy was up, I felt invigorated, joyful, and more present with people. Then I shifted a bit off course. I didn't realize that I'd started to become hyper focused on results, and not effort.

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.Why Can't I stop.

It all feels well and good in the beginning. You perform tasks methodically, expertly. Each step is planned and executed to give yourself exactly what you want. They say you are so dedicated, 'you have so much will power'! I heard this a lot when I began waking up at 5am to go to bootcamp, and again when I'd turn down the dessert tray for a glass of mineral water. I agreed with them! I felt like I had things all figured out. I didn't realize my efforts were misplaced and that I was playing out 'diseased' behaviour.

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She hid it in the shadows, she didn't want them to see; she didn't even want to see it herself. The idea that her pain and sorrow were written on her face was an uneasy thought. She wanted to be happy for that woman who stood there in all her accolades. But she wasn't. The story in her head, said, 'her success means your failure. Her gains must mean your loss'.

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contemplationsDayley Harper

I want to be 'there' in life, I want to achieve 'x,y,z'! I said this last year. I outlined my goals and told myself to go full bore ahead on the path and to not look back.

What I didn't realize is that the mind doesn't work this way, you know, by demanding action. My desire was high, my plan was laid out, so how did I still end up falling short of my goals?

The goals weren't unattainable, there was nothing impossible about my aim.

So what happened?!

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